


Vampire Fever

by sapphire_child



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Community: then_theres_us, Gen, Humor, Twilight Bashing, Twilight References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-18
Updated: 2010-10-18
Packaged: 2019-01-28 20:58:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12615356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphire_child/pseuds/sapphire_child
Summary: The Doctor would forever regret the day that he threw a book at Rose Tyler. Not because she retaliated with a hardback that nearly brained him (she not realising that the cover was solid tungsten) but because the book he had thrown was the first in the Twilight series and she quickly became completely enamoured of the trashy romantic storyline and ploughed through all four books in a manner that was quite alarming..





	Vampire Fever

**Author's Note:**

> **A/N:** contains spoilers for the last Twilight book in particular. Also some mild teasing of Twilight fans. You have been warned!

The Doctor would forever regret the day that he threw a book at Rose Tyler.

Not because she retaliated with a hardback that nearly brained him (she not realising that the cover was solid tungsten) but because the book he had thrown was the first in the Twilight series and she quickly became completely enamoured of the trashy romantic storyline and ploughed through all four books in a manner that was quite alarming.

She didn’t even want to go anywhere in the time it took her to read them and for a girl who had admitted an intense dislike of reading anything longer than a magazine article, this was quite unprecedented. As such, the Doctor allowed it, much as he disagreed with the authors ideas of romance. And vampire mythology. And pretty much everything else.

“S’just cos you’re a bloke,” Rose said tartly as she closed Eclipse and promptly opened Breaking Dawn. “You don’t get the attraction.”

“The main girl is a complete trollop,” he disagreed. “An’ that boyfriend of hers isn’t much better.”

Rose merely ignored him and, peevish, the Doctor couldn’t help but retaliate as viciously as he could.

“That the one where the girl gets pregnant with the hell spawn kid of her vampire boyfriend and it eats its way out of her womb?”

Rose looked pissed, then a bit sickened. “You’re just making that up!” she said angrily.

“Am I?” he said with a cheerful smile and a wave. “Bye then. Enjoy the rest of your book!”

She stubbornly read it anyway but sulked for close to a week afterwards before forcing him to go and see all of the movies with her (the original ones, not the remakes).

“Not as good as the books.” She announced when he grudgingly asked her if she’d enjoyed them.

“Movies never are,” he grumbled. “Specially when the books they’re based on are as rubbish as those ones are.”

“What is your problem with Twilight?” Rose demanded. “If you don’t like it that’s fine but you don’t have to rain on my parade. _And_ you spoilt the ending of the last book...”

“’ _Scuse_ me?!” The speaker was a tall, shrill red head with canines too sharp to be real and a veritable swarm of wannabe vampires behind her. The Doctor rolled his eyes. _Oh great – here we go._ “Did you tell her how BD ended?!”

“None of your business,” the Doctor said coldly, putting a hand on Rose’s arm. “Let’s go Rose.”

“Did you really spoil her?” another one of them demanded. The crowd was beginning to close in on them and the Doctor bristled. He didn’t like being hedged in – least of all by a bunch of crazy, obsessed vampire fans.

“Like I said, none of your business.” He repeated, eyes flickering from place to place, searching for an escape route.

The crowd was getting more and more worked up by now though, calling him a hater, a basher, a flamer. Slightly desperate by now, the Doctor glanced at Rose and saw that she was pale in a way not even vampire make up could truly fake. Thankfully, she’d been in enough situations like this now that she knew what the formation of an angry mob looked like and she’d obviously identified the danger they were in.

“Run?” she guessed in a small voice, blindly reaching for the Doctor’s hand and praying that he’d found a way out.

“Er...think that might be best, yeah.”

The bolted back to the TARDIS, a crowd of irate fans behind them and took off with such haste that the TARDIS actually lifted off the pavement and knocked over a few of their pursuers.

After a lengthy pause, the Doctor turned to Rose with a very serious expression on his face.

“We are never, _ever_ gonna tell anyone that we were chased back to the TARDIS angry Twilight fans today. Yeah?”

“Yeah.” She agreed, nodding vehemently.

It didn’t stop her from re-reading the books though. That honour was given to Jack, who was able to shed an interesting light on the only books that the Doctor truly hated.

“You know this series is outlawed in my time?” the Captain said conversationally, holding up Rose’s dog-eared copy of New Moon disparagingly between thumb and forefinger. “Totally banned. Every paper copy burnt, every digital copy scrambled and then hard-erased...”

“Really?” Rose frowned. “Why?”

“There was an... incident.” Jack said grimly and it was only with much prodding that he would explain himself any further.

“In 4022 they held the first Intergalactic Twilight Fan Convention. Unfortunately it was one of those cult books from Earth that had just gotten out of control – the whole place was full of Plasmavores and cults and crazy-ass fans from here to the other side of the galaxy. It was all going fine until a bunch of them overpowered the security and declared it a Vampiric facility. It was almost a year before the Judoon realised that anybody who checked into the hotel there never checked out again.”

Rose’s mouth dropped open. “You mean they...?”

“Drank ‘em all up like soda pop? Yep.”

Rose pulled a face. “Y’know, the more I hear about Twilight fans the less I like these books.”

“Good!” the Doctor said cheerfully, slung over a chair with some alien tome propped on his chest and the tip of one toe poking out through a hole in his sock. “Rubbish books the lot of ‘em. Dunno why I ever read ‘em in the first place.”

“Oh I dunno,” Jack said, sprawling out with the paperback. “I always kinda liked the idea of reading such a notorious banned book...”

He wasn’t even a chapter in before he begged to be taken to a supernova so that he could throw either the book or his self in.

~*~

  
Rose’s local was doing a Halloween special – cheap pints of beer and a bobbing for apples contest that Jack was boasting about winning from the minute he heard about it. He went the whole hog, decking himself out as a surprisingly handsome Frankenstein – bolts and all. The Doctor was having none of that, though he did concede to attending. Just so that he could keep an eye on his companions you understand.

“Thought you’d’ve been all kitted out as Wonder Woman or something,” the Doctor said in some surprise when Rose stepped outside the TARDIS in an unremarkable vinyl jacket and a red dress that didn’t even match her lipstick. He was almost disappointed at missing out on the opportunity to see her dressed up as a fairy princess or something equally ridiculous. The TARDIS wardrobe was more than extensive when it came to costume pieces and she would have been delighted at getting to do something for a fancy dress party for once instead of his usual nondescript jumpers and black trousers. “Where’s your costume then?”

“I’m in it.” Rose told him, her voice thicker than usual. At his curious look she grinned widely, using the tip of her tongue to detach the vampire fangs from her upper jaw and then press them back into place before offering him a teasing, vampiric smile. “Where’s yours?”

The Doctor grumbled as she sidled up to his side and slithered an arm through his.

“You just _had_ to be a vampire didn’t you?” he griped.

Rose just laughed.

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/155122168@N03/38132976141/in/album-72157688618079026/)


End file.
